lost and found

changes

2012-01-14T23:34:00.001-08:00

There are some thoughts that you should probably keep to yourself but there are also some that need to be talked about because it can possibly do some good for another and I think my latest one is one of the latter. I’ve been pretty ‘stuck’ for the past few months. I was doing so much – working hard at school, getting a lot of hours in for work, hanging out with friends, having a great time. But something was off. It was too…perfect. Nothing was changing, nothing was happening. I was in a rut. A mental and spiritual rut. I wasn’t growing. I felt like I was juggling the world but my hands were empty. I felt that I was simply just…existing.

In my efforts to be focused and do well in every aspect of my life, I had lost my passions. When the changes stopped, I stopped. I thought it was the greatest feeling in the world to finally have nothing wrong in life and have everything perfect. But perfect, it turns out, isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Life is meant to be exciting and unpredictable. It’s supposed to be a learning process and you’re never going to learn anything if you stay comfortable in your ‘perfection’. I was just happy to get away from the cycle that I had put myself in for my whole life with all the changes and the ups and downs but you know what I realized? I may have escaped that cycle but I started living in a worse cycle. A cycle of the mundane and conventional. I’m not saying that it’s good to have an unhealthy roller coaster of a life, definitely not. But it’s SO important to keep taking risks – just make sure they’re the right ones.

For example, I’m planning to move out of my house and live with my best friend in September. I’m transferring to the University of Minnesota which is already going to be a huge change but I decided that even though I’ll be able to attend the school from home, I’m going to choose to move out. Why? Because it’s hard. I’m so comfortable at home where I have meals ready, no rent, family by my side and no responsibilities. I can do whatever I want with friends and I have absolutely no reason that would push me to leave which is exactly why I’m doing it. Yes, it’ll be hard to work more to pay rent and living expenses. Yes, it’ll be hard to not see my parents every single day. Yes, it’ll be hard to be in an environment where I’ll have to keep myself more in check. But if I don’t challenge myself in life, what’s this life for? The last thing I want to do is leave my room and the house that I’ve grown up in but I’m doing it because I don’t want to. I want to learn how to make myself do things that I’m not comfortable with so that when things happen that are out of my control, I’ll be able to overcome them. As someone who hates change, this will help me face my fears. It may completely backfire on me and not end up as I plan but you know what? At least I’ll know that I tried. I tried to do something different and I learned from it.

But this is just me and this is just my tiny little life and my trivial choices. There might be some of you out there that are at crossroads and need to make some really important decisions in your life. My advice would be to do something that scares you. Don’t mistake that with something that would make you unhappy because that’s the last thing you’d want. I just mean, do something that you wouldn’t usually decide on, something that challenges you, something that will help you change. Because If you’re not changing, you’re not growing and if you’re not growing, you’re stuck. Stuck in this cycle of just existing. And you should never want to just exist. You should want to live. You should want to live every single moment of your life. If it’s a good moment, you’ll get happiness and joy out of it and if it’s a bad moment, you’ll gain a lesson out of it. Either way, you’ll always be achieving something. So let yourself change, let life change and let yourself live to the fullest because you deserve it.

Every day is Ashura; Every land is Kerbala

2011-12-06T20:30:00.000-08:00

Before I say anything, I'd recommend anyone who doesn't know the story of Kerbala or Imam Hussein to watch this video. It'll give you a brief summary of the tragedy and my post will make a lot more sense to you as well. For those who do know the story, the video is great to share with your non-shia or non-Muslim friends if they're interested.

"Every day is Ashura; Every land is Kerbala". This has been a very common saying among Shia Muslims during the time of Ashura. But do we even know the meaning of it? Do we truly understand the truth in that statement? Maybe this will help:

Afghanistan - 61 killed and more than 160 injured
Iraq -30 killed

Men, women and children who wanted to exercise their right as Shias to mourn the death of their beloved Imam and his family are met only with multiple bombings. Blood spilled, body parts thrown across the streets and the cries of women and children. Where have we heard this before? Seven centuries may have passed but those who show their support and love for the truth are still brutally killed all over the world. And you know how in Kerbala the ones who killed the family of the Imam also called themselves 'Muslim'? Nothing's changed there. It's still Muslims on both sides. Scary right?

But those atrocities are just on Ashura. What about the oppression that runs rampant every single day? Bahrain. Palestine. Libya. Tunisia. People wanted their rights and for justice to be served, to not have to bow down to a corrupt government and though they were peaceful with their protests, many were imprisoned, abused, injured and brutally killed. Ring a bell? THIS is the story of Kerbala. and it's TODAY. it's EVERYDAY. This is what you should think of when you say the words 'everyday is Ashura, every land is Kerbala'. But should we just leave it to those who are going through these difficulties? Is that what we've learned from the story that we've been hearing over and over since childhood? Imam cried for help after every soldier and family member he had, died. And nobody replied. Our brothers and sisters are calling us from all of those places where everyday really is Ashura. Are we going to ignore their calls? Or are we going to take action and do everything in our power to help them overcome oppression and make sure justice is served. Many people suffered in Kerbala but the Imam and his family's sacrifice caused people to realize what had happened. Bibi Zainab's courage and bravery caused people to listen. Are we going to follow in her footsteps? Kerbala is already happening everywhere. Now we just have to take the steps of Bibi Zainab and the rest of the Imam's companions to spread the word. Spread the word of injustice. Spread the word of oppression. Open people's eyes and ears to the horror that others face every single day. Then only will we be truly fulfilling the mission Imam Hussain started so many years ago.

TSOR & Khaled M.

2011-11-13T17:22:00.000-08:00

I went to a benefit concert called Harmony for the Horn a couple days ago and it was an event which had well known artists such as Khaled M and The Sound of Reason perform and all the proceeds went to East Africa. It was SUCH a great night. To be perfectly honest, i hadn't heard of any of those people before that night but I fell so in love with them that I feel like it's a duty to spread the word to everyone. Basically, if you like artists such as Immortal Technique and Lowkey, you're gonna love these artists as well. They've got pretty much the same intention of spreading awareness of political issues, societal flaws and making an effort to change the direction of mainstream music. For people like me who can't stand songs that are all about sex, money and useless crap, I feel like i can finally listen to awesome music that's actually clean and doesn't kill my brain cells!

THE SOUND OF REASON

So, The sound of reason is made up of Francis and Ku, both of who were friends long before they started their mission to change the sound of mainstream music. In under a year, they've gone from their basement studio in Montreal, Canada to being in the top 10 of the international radio list. I met them after the concert to get their autographs and their personalities off stage are exactly the same as on stage. Their sincerity and down to earth personalities are so great that you just can't not love em. What i love about their music is the variety. From a song about Palestine to a love song for an unborn child to the political corruption of the government - they've seriously got it ALL. Here's one of their songs, one of my absolute faves, it's called 'palestine'. Only Francis is singing in this one but you can hear Ku on his guitar :)

KHALED M.

Khaled tries to make it known that he is 'less politics, more lyrics'. He actually isn't too big for politics but more concerned with connecting with people through his music. You can see the love of his faith and his efforts to be clean with his music in a lot of his lyrics. He wants a way to spread the truth without being controlled by mainstream telling him what to sing about. Even though he isn't a huge fan of politics, some of his songs such as 'can't take our freedom' does talk about the oppression going on in Libya, Tunisia, Egypt and Palestine. But I mean, who could blame him when his dad died in imprisonment for being involved in the opposition movement in Libya? All in all, he's a great guy with great music and you gotta check him out. Here's the song i just mentioned a bit ago called 'can't take our freedom' made along with Lowkey.

imagine

2011-11-06T16:24:00.000-08:00

I really don't have much to say. Well it's more like, what I'm thinking is really hard to be expressed in words and if i even try it'll come off as a negative rant about how terrible the world is and how sad it makes me. So instead, for the sake of both of us, I'm just going to post this beautiful, amazing song which says it all.

10/23/11 ----- Minneapolis, Minnesota

2011-10-26T13:24:00.000-07:00


Parents and I at Trafalgar Square

Hey all!! I know that a lot of people have been wanting all the details from my trip to England and France so while I was there, I had been writing posts every now and then and emailed it all to myself. I’m going to put all the posts here all at once but they’ve got the dates on them so it’ll give you all a better idea of how the trip went step by step. It goes from most recent all the way down to my first day in England so you'll have to scroll down quite a few posts to get to the beginning of the trip :)

Guess who’s back in Brooklyn Park, Minnesota? Okay okay, it’s not that bad but man I miss England! Alright before I go all weepy on you, I’ll take you back a bit to my last few days in London. Well, the day I had gone to Kent, my parents went to Trafalgar square, Big Ben, Edgeware road and all those places and I had missed it all so they took me on Thursday, the day before we left. It was really nice cos I didn’t really remember it much from ten years ago and being in the center of London felt perfect for it being the last day out. We did end up getting lost as well! Instead of going to Edgeware Road, the Arabic street full of shawarmas, we accidentally went to Edgeware, the suburban area at the very edge of London. It was really pretty and we did get to see a part of London that was really different! We found our way back though and that night my parents and uncle and aunt were planning on going to the mosque since it was Thursday night. Don’t get me wrong, I love going to mosque, I really do. But it was my last night in England and I really wanted to spend it being out and doing something. Luckily, thanks to Abbas, the great big brother he is came and picked me up from the house and even my other cousins who I was living with came with and we all went for some shisha and dinner. It was a really great night since I didn’t get to spend much time with the cousins in London that I was actually staying with cos we were out a lot so it was nice getting to talk properly and hang out. I also got to see London by night one more time on the drive home and it felt like a perfect last day of vacation.

All I can say about the morning we left is basically that it was really not hitting me. I kept thinking that I’m just going on another drive to see the city instead of the airport to leave the country. When it did hit me though, it was a pretty sad moment. I had fallen in love with England and all my family there. It felt like I was leaving home in a way as weird as that sounds. After a long day of flights and stopovers, I finally did get to my actual home. It feels so surreal and I’m actually pretty disoriented being here. It feels like I never left and have been gone for years at the same time. It’s a really bittersweet feeling but three weeks was long enough that I got the chance to fully enjoy my time out and it’s not completely terrible being home. I think just having a break in general has been refreshing and has rejuvenated me mentally and physically so I’m actually more energized to go back into my routine. I’m only being so positive though because I know that I’ll find one way or another to go back to England as soon as possible! :D

10/18/11 ----- Paris, France

2011-10-26T13:22:00.000-07:00


At the top of the Notre Dame looking over the city

Bonjour! We just got back from Paris earlier today and I never got a chance to update while I was there so I’m just going to fill you all in now :) The first day there was a bit sad cos I was still missing Leicester like crazy and I was also very very exhausted to really enjoy anything. For some reason, even though I knew obviously that people didn’t speak much English in Paris but I thought that at least, there would be some here and there. Oh how very, very wrong I was. It took us about half an hour to get to our hotel which was actually only five minutes away from the station we arrived at. The reason? We couldn’t get any directions cos we didn’t know French and without that, it got pretty difficult. I told my parents though, just to find an Asian and we’d be fine and funnily, I was right! We found this Pakistani restaurant and they explained in Urdu, a language both parties knew thankfully, where our hotel was. I slept for most of the day until nighttime when we met up with some distant relatives of my mom. We went for dinner to that same Pakistani restaurant from earlier and it was nice to meet some khoja French people. They didn’t know too much English so we communicated mostly in gujurati. It was a nice time though and by that time, I was getting a bit more excited about our stay there and was ready for the next day.

The way we chose to tour Paris was the hop on, hop off tour bus. It has four lines that goes through the city and you can get off the bus wherever, spend as much time as you want at a place, and get back on the next bus since they come every few minutes everywhere. The first day, we visited a really beautiful sculpture garden, the Notre Dame which we also went up (422 steps and a stitch in the side later) and last but not least, the Eiffel Tower. Oh and get this – right when we reached the Eiffel tower, my camera started dying. That would happen right? I just made sure to get a couple pics in the day time and then switched it off so we’d be able to get some at night as well. Unfortunately though, we only got one not so great picture at night before it did die. It’s okay though, we enjoyed our time there and the couple pics we did get were good enough. I have to say though, being there was surreal. Right when we were coming close to it and it was right in front of me I was thinking. ‘wow…am I actually here? Is this actually right in front of me?’ I mean, with a sight that you see so much on television and posters, it doesn’t hit you for a while when you’re actually right next to it. It truly is beautiful though. The structure and all the lights at night, it’s breathtaking. Being so wrapped up in how amazing it is, we didn’t realize the time pass by so when we got to the bus stop where our tour bus would come by, we got told that it was done for the night. I found it a bit weird cos it still was only 8:30 but anyway, we got a little panicked cos we had no idea how we’d get home. Taking a taxi would be way too expensive and we didn’t know how the routes worked yet to get home on the public bus. Thankfully, we were blessed with an angel sent from above right then. Honestly, this woman was our lifesaver that night. She happened to be standing right next to us at the bus stop and I just asked us how the metro lines worked and when she realized that she would be going the exact same way we needed to go, she offered to go together with us. She was also a tourist and had only been in Paris for a few days but was from Argentina and knew quite a bit of English. We all went to the train station together, she waited for about ten minutes while we got our tickets, and made sure we got on the right train and made sure we fully understood exactly where we needed to go. I can honestly say that if we hadn’t met her, we probably would have been roaming the streets till midnight trying to find our way home. She was so great to talk to and she was just one of those people that you come across very, very rarely. I wish her the best in her travels and hope she gets home safely :)

Our second day was a little more relaxing…well, most of the time. We had walked so much the day before that we decided to just see things from the bus for the day unless there was somewhere we really wanted to get off. It was working just fine until I realized that my temporary pre-paid sim card I had bought when I first entered Paris had run out of credit and that my mom’s aunt was going to be calling any minute to meet up with us. We literally spent two and a half hours going back and forth around an area trying to find a sim card. One of the stores had them but get this – they don’t sell it until 3 pm. Really? What difference would it make to sell a sim card before or after 3 pm? And then we found the other stores but they wouldn’t give it without seeing our passports or some form of identification which of course, we left back at the hotel. Oh, and the pay phones don’t take coins, they take cards which we had to go buy and ended up not being able to use anyway because the phone was acting up. Eventually, we just used this gujurati worker’s phone to call and cancel. After that though, the rest of the day went pretty well. Until then, we had been staying and going around in the ‘old’ Paris and we got to see the new Paris with the big buildings and offices and it strangely made me feel at home haha.

Overall, when I think of Paris, I think I had a love hate relationship with it. Love because it’s so stunningly beautiful. The architecture, the small little side streets which make you think of the early 1500’s, the tiny cafes and shop and of course, the dessert! Hate because a lot of the streets smelled like pee, the language barrier, and the WEIRD rules! I mean, forget sim card after 3 pm but no heaters on weekends at the hotel? French people I tell you. Oh and how could I forget? Most of the restaurants are all open so in one of them, there were and I kid you not, pigeons under the tables. And I mean like, five plus pigeons just walking around. I hate to admit but I turned so American so fast. I couldn’t stand being in there and eating so I had to actually go out to the street to eat. I’m sorry, call me spoiled but birds? In a food place? Not just that but I’m actually scared of birds when they’re not in the sky and when there’s more than two of them. Especially those city birds that aren’t scared of anything! In the end of it all, Paris was a great experience and I loved it but I think two days was enough for me and I couldn’t wait to get back to England. When I first got to the train station in London and saw English everywhere, I’m not going to lie, I almost wanted to jump with joy haha. So yes, I’m back in good ol’ London now and have got three more days here till we leave to go back home *sniff*. Gotta end this here though cos I’ve gotta go for dinner with my brother in law’s sister and aunt which I’m very excited about since I haven’t seen his sister since the wedding four years ago! See ya later! :)

10/16/11 ----- Leicester, England

2011-10-26T13:20:00.000-07:00

the only boys I need in my life :)

About what I said at the end of that last post about probably not having much to update on, I was wrong haha. This week has honestly been so, SO great. After our first weekend that I already told you about in the last post, I had literally spent the first two days of the week here in my pajamas watching television, playing with the kids and doing pretty much nothing else and it felt great :)

After a couple days’ rest though, I was ready to go out again so Tahira bhabhi, who is pretty much one of THE coolest people I’ve ever met and probably will ever meet, took me out. We went to the big mall there just to look around and get some stuff and then she took me KFC! I repeat, HALAL KFC!! I hadn’t had KFC since I went to Florida for my cousin’s wedding in 2006. I was so excited and was not disappointed. The popcorn chicken I had that day and the drumsticks I had a couple days after when we went again was just as delicious as I remembered it to be :) Later that day, Sajjad Bha and Zainab Bhabhi took me out to watch Johnny English 2 and some dessert at pizza hut. I always knew Sajjad Bha was cool because, well he IS a haji you know. But I’m so so lucky to have been able to spend time with Zainab Bhabhi. She is so funny and upbeat and just so fun to hang with. Oh and the movie was HILARIOUS. I recommend everyone to go watch it like, now. I haven’t seen the first one but they told me the second was funnier anyway.

A couple more days passed and before I knew it, it’s the last day at Leicester and we’re leaving for Paris tomorrow. It was a great last day though. Tahira bhabhi, mom and I went out in the morning, I chilled at home with the kids and bhabhi during the day and at night, we all went out for dinner and dessert. Mohd. Ali had come back again for the weekend from Birmingham where he goes to school and it was so great to get to know him. I really hope he doesn’t read this cos we have a fully established relationship of only insulting each other as much as possible so if he sees a compliment, I’m done for haha. But really, it was great to be able to talk to someone my own age and get to know more about him cos all I had remembered for ten years was a chubby kid who made fun of me for being scared of pigeons ten years ago. So yes, this is definitely progress! Oh, and he’s still chubby. Sorry cuz, it feels way too weird being nice to you, I had to get an insult in there somewhere :)

The night ended with me going for some shisha with mohd ali, his friends and sajjad bha and I got introduced to pretty much the best flavor of shisha…ever. Watermelon, berry and mint. It was so good that when we were leaving I was standing and still smoking it cos I couldn’t let go of it. Honestly, it was great, all you shisha fans have got to try it! When we got home that night, I got the best treat. Mohd ali and Abbas (my other cousin) had gone to the states this past summer and got to visit the NBC studios where they had a chance to film themselves doing a news and weather report and bought the video afterwards. I had been hearing all week about how embarrassing it was and couldn’t wait to see it. After I had made sure that everyone in the house was sitting in the living room to see my cousins embarrass themselves, I finally saw it. And it was so much better than I imagined. We didn’t get to see Abbas’ bit but mohd ali…oh man. He pretty much made the biggest fool of himself that he could possibly make. I’m happy to say that I recorded the whole thing on my camera and if I feel mean enough, you all might see it on Facebook sometime :P

The next day was pretty much the saddest day of my trip so far. Saying goodbye to everyone was so much harder than I thought it’d be. The moment I’d been dreading more than any had finally come: saying bye to the kids. Muntazir, Irfan ali and Sakina have all made their own place in my heart and usually I’m not a mushy person but with them, I can’t help it. I didn’t get to say bye to Sakina because she was sleeping but I went to her crib just to see her before I left and that’s what triggered it all. After one last hug to bhabhi, the kids and my aunt and uncle, we were in the car on the way to the station and I have to admit, I actually teared up a bit. Getting a text from bhabhi a bit later saying that the kids were crying and wanted me back didn’t help at all either. I was trying so hard to be excited for Paris but it just wasn’t happening. All I wanted was to go back to Leicester and be on the couch watching cartoons with the boys, holding Sakina.

Eventually I made myself realize that hey, it’s been an amazing week and I’ve met such great people but it’s time to go and hopefully I’d see them soon. I just have to say though that I still miss you guys like crazy. Tahira Bhabhi and Zainab Bhabhi – the talks I’ve had with both of you and the time we spent together meant a lot to me and I feel like I’ve gained two more older sisters. Hasnain Bha, Sajjad Bha, Abbas and Mohd Ali – It was really nice to actually be able to see you all and get to know you throughout the week and thanks to each of you for such great conversations and yes, I miss you all even after all the teasing :) Also, majorly special thanks to Chacha and Chachi for having us stay at their house and being so great to us the whole time. The amount of time and effort they’ve given to making us feel comfortable and making sure we have a good time is unbelievable. Inshallah, I’ll get to see you all very, very soon :)

10/10/11 ----- Leicester, England

2011-10-26T13:17:00.002-07:00

the whole Leicester crew :)

Greetings from Leicester! I’m currently at my chacha (dad’s brother)’s place which is absolutely beautiful. It’s so different from London in the way that it’s a really relaxing atmosphere, very green and hilly, kind of like being in the country side. I’m so lucky to be at this house right now cos I’ve met cousins I hadn’t seen in ten years and it’s so great to actually know them personally rather than hear about them from my sister who’s been with them plenty of times. I’ve also gained two nephews a niece and for the first time have been called fui jaan!! It’s seriously the most amazing thing to be an aunt and I can’t wait till my own siblings have their kids now! They’re so fun to be around even though they have become my alarm clocks for the morning with how loud they can get lol! But I really don’t wanna think about leaving cos we’re already so attached to each other so let’s not talk about that yet.

Other than that, we’ve had a great time so far just in the past two days we’ve been here. Gone to dinner with the whole family, spent time at home getting to know everybody better and being introduced to the show ‘west wing’. Apparently it’s an American show about the west wing of the white house and all that goes on in there but I had never heard of it before I came here – kind of ironic eh? Now since three of my cousins are going to be gone for the week to back to work and school in other cities, I have the rest of my time here to be with the kids, their mom and my aunt and uncle.

I’m realizing that my whole trip is getting a great balance with having been so busy last week in London and Kent compared to being really relaxed over here. I think sometimes we get so caught up in wanting to see so many places during vacation that we forget to actually just chill and do absolutely nothing which to me, is seriously necessary once in a while :) Anyways, I don’t think there’ll be anything new to update on for the rest of this week but if anything does come up, you all will definitely know about it!

10/7//11 ----- night with the london cousins

2011-10-26T13:17:00.000-07:00

Funny Faces!!!

Such a good, good night! Went to dinner at my aunt and uncle’s place and met a few cousins, some of whom I had kept in touch with through the years using Facebook and some of whom I hadn’t talked to ever. Basic result of the whole night: the one American (ahem) gets made fun of pretty much the entire time because of her accent and limited knowledge of British slang. But I’m quite proud of how many new words I learned that night and also some from my time in Kent so I’m going to make a whole list right here to prove it :D

Allow it/bun it – forget it

Creasing – laughing

Quid – pound

Chav – equivalent to a redneck

Wasteman – douche bag

Deep – being cold to someone

Motorway – freeway

Rank – disgusting

Bare – very

Ting – an annoying way of saying ‘thing’. I’ll never understand this one!

Chuffed – very happy. I learned this one from Yesser cos he was telling me how ‘chuffed’ he was to be talking to me :D

That’s all I can remember for now! Will probably add more to this along the way :) Other than that though, spending time with those cousins was honestly really fun and I’m really happy I got the chance to hang out with them even if it was for only a few hours :)

10/6/11 ----- a day in the life of Shabbir Lakha

2011-10-26T13:15:00.001-07:00


Shabbir, Yesser and I :)

My amazing and close friend Shabbir lives in Kent which is a couple hours away from London and since we’ve known each other for two and a half years but never met, there was no better time to go down there to see him. It was such a great experience that I decided to dedicate an entire post just for that day :)

It was a bit of a mission to convince my parents to let me travel alone to a different place for a whole day but with the help of my relatives assuring them that it was completely safe and them being the awesome parents that they are, they let me go. ‘Excited’ is an understatement of how I felt about going. Since I had arrived in London I was itching to go on the trains and buses on my own to see how I would do. I absolutely love being independent and having an opportunity to test myself in a new city was a pretty big deal. The journey there was a bit frustrating because I kept getting told that there would be just one train that would take me straight there but I kept having to switch anyway. Eventually though, I found myself in Canterbury West, Kent. I knew we’d have an awesome time but when you’ve never meet someone in person, you just get really curious as to how it’ll be. Obviously though, it was better than I expected. Him being the person he is, I felt completely at ease and soon I had forgotten that it was our first time meeting in person. It felt like we’d hung out a million times before. Some of his friends joined us and we all hung out for a bit, eating and shopping and I have to say, I’m definitely impressed with the group of people he has surrounded himself with. All of them are such fantastic people and were so incredibly nice and welcoming that I felt right at home.

I had quite an experience at one point though, Shabbir being such a bad influence in all. You see, I've been doing shisha/hookah for about a year and a half now, not a lot but just once in a while but I've never in all that time ever had a head rush or felt dizzy or had any effect whatsoever other than coughing a little bit if I've had too much. But this time...oh this was different. Not only did I get so dizzy that I couldn't walk to the kitchen right, my legs felt weird, my stomach hurt and I just felt like I got hit by a bus or something. The fact that he himself made it got me thinking he might've put something in it you know! Haha nah just playing but the shisha here definitely is a lot stronger than what I’ve had back in the states. And since we can't drink and all, strong shisha is as bad as we can get! Oh and not only did I get introduced to 'special shisha' (which makes it sound a lot worse than it was), I also learned how to cover the fire alarm in the house so the smoke doesn't set it off! Good lessons I'm learning here ;)

Anyway, the shisha effects combined with the super long day got me to stay the night in Kent with some of Shabbir's school friends (all girls, don't worry!). I’m so glad I did stay because it ended up being the highlight of my trip there. Before I went to the girls' house to sleep, Shabbir, his friend Yesser (yes sir!) and I spent hours just chilling and talking about god knows what. From Islamic discussions to politics to British slang to making fun of the American aka me! Oh and special shout out to Yesser: you my new friend, are absolutely awesome to talk to. I rarely get so comfortable with someone I’ve just met but I have to say, you have that gift. I’m really going to miss hanging out with you and I truly do hope we keep in touch! Oh, and I’m only saying such nice things cos I feel like I insulted you a little too much there and I know how sensitive you are and all, so I thought this would make you feel better ;)

Before I left to go back to London the next afternoon, Shabbir took me to the cathedral in Canterbury which is basically the head of the church of England. All the arch bishops were buried there and it’s just so breathtakingly beautiful with the stained glass and stone walls. With one last walk through the main street of Kent, I was back at the train station saying bye to this amazing friend that is so incredibly lucky to have known me! Haha nah I’m joking. Well…kind of :P Seriously though, I thought it was awesome just knowing him but being able to hang out was such a great experience and I really hope we get to do it again soon - don’t forget Kilimanjaro Shabbir!

10/4/11 ----- London, England

2011-10-26T13:14:00.000-07:00


At the Tower Bridge

So, as most of you know, I’ve finally gotten the chance to get out of the country for the first time since I moved here which was about ten years ago! I’m super grateful for the opportunity and being able to have my parents with me just makes it all the better since I get pretty homesick if I’m separated from them for more than like, two days! Anyways, let’s get right to business - I'M IN ENGLAND!! I've been here four days now and it's absolutely amazing!! We’re staying at my dad’s sister’s house while we’re here and they’re so great! They’ve welcomed us so completely and let us totally mess up their house with all our suitcases with no complaints haha. The first day was really laid back because I was majorly jet-lagged and basically slept the entire day when I got here. At night though, we went to Queen's Walk just to walk around a bit and see the city from afar, get some fresh air and all. It was pretty nice but I was exposed to the ridiculously crazy driving here. I mean seriously, the roads are insanely complicated and there are cars going here and there and people walking in the middle of the streets and I honestly thought I was going to get into accident every two minutes! Overall though, it was a nice little introduction to city life and got me pretty excited to see even more.

I got that chance the very next day! We went down to East London to go for Indian shopping and food which was really nice cos the stuff there is so cheap and I got some pretty cool things! We also visited Oxford Circus which is one of the most famous streets in London, mostly for its’ shopping. Some random things I found interesting throughout the day: the pound notes! I was so scared that I'd mistake them for garbage and throw them away cos they're so flimsy! I also find that having so many coins is a little weird and confusing but it’s one of my goals to learn the currency before I leave so let’s see how I do :) Also, I got to sit in the upper deck of the double decker bus!! Sorry but that's sort of a big deal you know. It’s a really relaxing way to see the city and get some fresh air at the same time. What I found fascinating while getting glimpses of the city was that it's so modern and current but then you see the parts of it that remind you of how incredibly old it is as well. It makes it really easy for your imagination to turn back time a few centuries when there were horse drawn carriages going through the streets you're currently driving through.

That night we had some relatives come over for dinner and I got to see the great differences between my dad’s side of the family and my mom’s. Living here in Minnesota, I’ve been raised only with my mom’s family who are very liberal in their thinking most of the time and are pretty westernized. I only saw very little of my dad’s side during some weddings throughout the years. However, this vacation was specifically to meet all my relatives from across the pond and I got to do just that. They’re different in the way that they’re a lot…louder? Haha but in a really, really good way. I feel so comfortable and fully at ease. Yes they’re thinking is a lot more conservative but I’ll just make sure not to get into any debates while I’m here ;) Really though, no matter how different my families from both sides are, the one thing they all have in common is that they’ve all got really big hearts and would do anything to make a person feel at home and will make sure to be there for them no matter what. What more could one wish for in a family? So cheesy, but so true :)

Pray

2011-09-20T10:47:00.000-07:00

I've always known that this life is far from perfect. Poverty, rape, greed, corruption, famine, homelessness and the list goes on. But is it just me or does it feel like, lately it's just all gotten even more out of control than ever? It may sound weird but at the rate we're going, no wonder everyone thinks the world's going to end soon. Yes, i know that people have been saying that for centuries but i mean really. Call me childish but in a way i hope it does just so all the horrible stuff can stop happening

Anyway, before i get too frustrated and negative, i just wanted to share a song that is pretty simple but touched my heart and really expresses how i feel. It definitely comes from a very surprising source - justin bieber. I know, i know. i never liked him much either but this song surprised me, coming from him at least. It's called pray and the lyrics are on the screen :)

where there is He

2011-08-08T22:19:00.000-07:00

where there is He, there is love
where there is He, there is truth
where there is He, there is safety
where there is He, there is peace
where there is He, there is life

everywhere in me, there is He

tick tock

2011-07-27T23:11:00.000-07:00

Tick tock
Go the hands on the clock
As long as the battery lives
It won’t ever stop

But what happens when the battery dies? Without preparation, without warning, the hands stop ticking. Time freezes. Nothing moves. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, this doesn’t happen in reality. In life, as tragic as a death can be, as heart wrenching and painful, life still goes on for those around. People are suddenly reminded of how precious time is and to live their lives to the fullest before they’re gone too. Except, these thoughts almost always eventually fade away, overtaken by life’s misfortunes, at least until the next death occurs that is.

Death. The word is usually accompanied by a sad, mournful or morbid thought but does it have to be? It had always been something far away in my mind, obscure and abstract. Having never lost anyone particularly close to me except for my uncle who though I knew all my life, had never had a relationship with, I haven’t had much experience with the loss of a loved one. There have been an unusual amount of deaths recently, most of which are extremely tragic as they involved younger children meeting their ends all too quickly and without warning. However, one of these instances stuck out to me in particular which is ironic since I had never even heard of her until the news of her demise had spread. Sabrina Alibhai Merali. Maybe it was that she died the night before what would have been her sixteenth birthday on which she was then buried. Something about her and this story hit me like nothing else has ever before. Yes, it did the usual by reminding me how nothing in this life is guaranteed including our own time here and that we should appreciate and be grateful for every second we’ve got. However, something else had managed to get a hold of me. You know the saying, ‘the truth shall set you free’? I’ve never really related to that since usually whenever I found out the truth about something, it more often than not caused bad feelings or trouble. But this…this was different. This was IT. Maybe it’s an exaggeration to say that this was the key to happiness because the idea itself is not new, quite on the contrary actually. It’s common knowledge among most people. But the idea itself isn’t what has gotten to me at all. It’s the fact that I finally actually understood the enormity and reality of it. That, for the first time, it truly sunk in.

Don’t worry, I won’t keep you in suspense any longer but don’t be surprised if you’re severely disappointed. It’s just this: we’re going to die anyway. No matter who we are, what we’ve got, what we’ve been through, how we feel, what we think, what we’ve done, nothing and I repeat, NOTHING will change that fact. At one point or another, may it be in 60 years or 60 seconds, we’re going to stop breathing and go back to the place we’re truly from. This fact was emphasized when I heard someone say that “we are not human beings going through spiritual experiences but spiritual beings going through human experiences.” That’s all it is! We don’t belong here. And one day, we’re going to go to where we came from anyway! This life, this earth, these challenges and obstacles are nothing. Nothing but a blink of an eye in the entire span of time. Personally, I’m a bit envious of the people that have already passed away. Think about it. This world…what is it, really? It’s full of war, corruption, jealousy, greed, pain, injustice and the list goes on. Don’t mistake me for a pessimist. This life Is definitely beautiful, wonderful and is the most unique experience a being could have which is why being given a life on earth should be considered a blessing from above. But when you die, you’re safe and taken care of. Excuse my harry potter references but “It is the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more.” What I’m trying to say, is that yes death is terrible and heartbreaking for those left here but to the actual person who has passed, hopefully it would be blissful.

So the next time something bad happens to you, don’t fret too much. Just realize that hey, none of this is gonna last anyway. After all, according to Albus Dumbledore, “to the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure” ;)

2011-07-17T00:07:00.000-07:00

Small pieces of paper

falling down from the heavens

each with its own fate written upon it

going in their different directions

when one gets lost in the way

course changed by the wind.

entering into unknown lands

not knowing the dangers it may face

being so new and whole.

After the rain, mud and storms it passes through

the ink on its surface seems a bit washed out

the edges ripped in places

holes punctured through

even a bit crumpled as a whole

but still able to soar through the skies

trying to find its way back

Until one unfortunate day

it lives through a shattering earthquake that leaves it in shreds

barely put back together by tape and glue

it keeps going on its way

but never again

will it be able to fly as high

race as fast

as it could before

Time is not good to a loosely held together page

the thin glue starts to crack

and the tape isn’t as sticky

it knows its fate

soon there will no longer be anything holding its pieces together

and does come the day

that it has scattered on a dusty floor

settling to adapt to its new home

with a view from below

Not long passes however

until the pieces start to rise

and it no longer depends on anything to keep it together

nothing seems to be holding it up

nothing but a force

a force that not only puts the pieces back together

but rearranges them in a better order than before

a page that can never again be torn, ripped or crumpled

an energy stronger than anything before

an invisible shield that surrounds it always

a love that is so pure

a source of support that is so sure

the only dependence that has never failed

the only light that has guided it out of every dark room

a sun that doesn’t hide even in the rainiest of days

but gives light to the words on the page

the destiny that faded by the years

but is now seen clearer than ever before.

2011-05-26T07:55:00.000-07:00

perspective
it's what teaches us gratitude

faith
it's what keeps us holding on when everything else has let go

love
it's what keeps us warm when the world does all it can to turn us cold

happiness
it's what we attain not when we get everything we want but when we appreciate what we've already been given

black hole

2011-04-17T18:52:00.000-07:00

Like a baby’s rubber bones
Unaffected by the repeated falls
Bouncing back into shape
Intent on your destination
Time after time
A reincarnated self emerges
Fresh with new hope
Thinking ahead with a smile
Until you realize
your seven lives are up.
An image of every fall
once locked up
Breaks free
Spreading
Like a lethal poison
Cancerous to your soul
Freezing every thought
Distorting reality
Turning stepping stones into slides
Taking you down a black hole
Sucking out the light from all directions
The tornado like winds surrounding you
Like an invisible barrier
Chaining you down
Keeping you from the outside that can only been seen
But not touched

the one in the mirror

2010-10-12T15:23:00.000-07:00

fire and ice are your eyes
a fatal weapon is your smile
every other tasting only the honey flavored truth in your words
not knowing
all that's left are poison-laden lies
seeping into your veins
a heart that was once filled
now emptied with only a shield
on defense against your worst enemy
yourself.

the compromise

2010-05-30T16:02:00.000-07:00

When it feels like all our dreams are coming true
Why trap ourselves in old nightmares?
Our pasts pick up the occupation of haunting us
shoving our faces straight into the eyes of fear.
what are we afraid of anyway?
the unknown?
the capability we hold?
not finding happiness?
We go through life in search of this happiness
But when near it, run away.
Why?
Because we’d rather have something to look for in life
Than have it and live in constant fear of it being snatched away.
What if that happiness isn’t ours in the first place?
What if what we’re looking in the wrong places?
And then when we realize it, end up hurting the people we used?
So, to avoid that, we live with that compromise - not hurting people, at the cost of giving up the road to a destination; a destination that the inner self craves for, but can never reach.

never ending battle

2010-05-30T15:16:00.001-07:00

Two worlds colliding.
One, a vision of ignorant perfection, everlasting happiness.
The other, enlightened reality – obstacles. suffering. growth.
Left the second to live the first.
Worth all the loss? Maybe.
A lot more people on the preferred side of ignorance.
But then how can loneliness still exist?
Had more company before, when alone
Than now, in a crowd
Where there’s a person on each side
But no one to turn to
Not even oneself.
One personality lost
But not forgotten
Maybe even missed.
Another emerging
A product of everything around
A uniformed robot.
This war, raging all too often.
They thought it was over – maybe I did too.
But a war is never over
If no one ever wins.

crash

2010-01-11T00:19:00.001-08:00

You’re always riding in a car with someone.
Sometimes there’s a person you ride with everyday
And sometimes there’s people you’re only with once
Until you realize they’re bad drivers, or don’t know where they’re going.
You think you know how it works until…
You get in the car with someone
Get to know them
They take you everywhere you wanna go
Show you around to the places they love to be
You talk. Laugh. Understand. Connect.
At first, like always, you have your seatbelt on tight
But then you think about what a good driver the person is…they’d never let anything happen.
So you loosen it a bit.
And then eventually take it off altogether.
Crash.
Air bag in your face
Can’t see. Cant breathe.
You feel your ankle twisted.
You reach out for them.
They’re outta the car already.
You decide to never go into the car with them again
Time passes as you ride with other people.
Then the person shows up again.
You realize it wasn’t their fault. It was winter. There was ice everywhere. It could happen to anyone
You get in the car again
The cycle begins.
You crash.
Air bag.
Arm’s broken this time.
Reach out. They’re gone.
You decide that no matter what, you’re not getting in again.
Imagine what could have happened if let it happen once more.
You go home.
Months later, still healing from the injuries, you see them again.
They’re waiting outside, the car door held open
You walk slowly, watching your step.
Remind yourself what could happen. What has happened before.
What would break this time?
But no…the music was just on too loud last time. We’ll make sure we don’t do that again.
You go in.
And yet again
You see that reassuring smile
That warm hand
That knowing look in their eyes.
And the seatbelt’s removed.
Before u know it
You feel the impact
No airbag this time.
You’ve gone straight through the windshield.

Love is an accident waiting to happen. You better wear that seatbelt tight.

knock knock

2009-12-18T22:10:00.000-08:00

Been sitting out here for a while
I tried the windows
Tried the roof
Even the basement
But nobody’s home
You never leave Your house
So this bit of news is shocking
Because I really need Your company
But I don’t hear Your footsteps coming to greet me
I look through the windows
And all I see are the remains of memories
I go back home
Haven’t visited You in a while
Thought I might get a call
But You proved me wrong
Thought I must have done something really bad
To not hear from You
But then I remembered
You had told me to just try the front door
I run over
Knock the door
And there You are
I truly hope You’ll let me in

and now i see...

2009-12-18T22:05:00.000-08:00

Walked so many roads
Stumbling aimlessly over hills
Not knowing my aim
Searching for love and care that the heart aches for.

Turned away from the shining light that is Your grace.
Feeling abandoned
Searching up into a vast emptiness
Not being able to find You among the stars

But now as I turn to You…I realize:
that I need You
that i am only human
that i can’t survive on my own
You not only keep my heart beating
But also my soul alive
Without You
I am nothing

And now as I open my eyes...i see:
Your guiding light
Waiting for me to succumb
Into Your loving arms.
For now, all I see is You.

too real

2009-12-13T12:20:00.000-08:00

-- all credit to shabbir lakha --

I’m feelin jus so damn hollow
So ima jus sit back and wallow
Deep in this pool of sorrow
And think bitterly of tomorrow
Promised with sadness
Sworn to a path of madness
The mere sight of gladness
So hard to find, so far away
Might as well be a needle in hay
And i’m waiting for the day
That you’ll turn around and say
Say that you no longer care
You’ve had more than your share
Of my pain, its too much to bear
And scamper off like a hare
And all alone sitting in this chair
Into the gloomy sky i stare
Whisper the silent prayer
To live through the suffering i swear
Summon the strength to dare
Let out a smile thats seen so rare
Shining through those misty glares
Leaving the silent tears behind a smiling mask
The deception is such a difficult task
Its an attempt to put away the past
Moving on, driving by, super fast
Despite the grim future set in an iron cast
I’ll fight through and make sure i last
Only coz giving up aint an option
Or i would be deep under an ocean
By now overdosed on some potion
And thats the sad life that i live
And don’t even try to act like you give
Two pieces of shit
Or a squirt of piss
You don’t care a bit
So go suck some dick
You fucking homo prick
Don’t you ever judge me
Coz in my shoes you’ll never be
And through my eyes you’ll never see
The pain in my heart you’ll never feel
Inside knowing it will never heal
And its all jus too damn real.

our true destination

2009-09-16T22:49:00.001-07:00

Isn’t it funny how absolutely sure we are of our tomorrow? We go to sleep thinking of the next day’s schedule and the next..and next. Isn’t it funny how we feel like we’re in control? News Flash : we’re not. We have no idea if we’re going to make it to the next week, day, or hour. As much as we’re reminded of this fact, I don’t believe that it really ‘hits’ any of us. If it did, God wouldn’t be a subconscious part in the back of ours heads, rather He would be on the constant forefront and every single thing we do would be in His way. Doesn’t sound too easy does it? It’s not.

I used to always believe that we don’t have to be religious to be accepted or loved by God or even go to Heaven. As long as we are good, honest people, give charity, stay connected to Him, and have our basics down, we’re good. But there’s a difference between being just a ‘believer’ and being a Muslim. Our very purpose of life is to submit. That being said, we don’t get to pick and choose what we think we should follow and ignore what we don’t fully understand. The point of being a Muslim is not only being a good person, but going to the extra length of worship and submission and trust. To follow through every single rule, though you may not know why just yet, but trust God enough to know that it’s there for a reason and will be good for you in the end. Each and every one of us are meant to go through their own Jihad; it can be personal such as financial problems, a physical or mental inability, experiencing a death of a close one, or it could be pertaining to Islam which would include observing hijab, praying, fasting, or whatever it may be. Meeting and trying our best to overcome these challenges are what we’re set here for and having God throughout just makes it that much easier.

These are the main points that we forget – we get so incredibly sucked up in our lives and this materialistic world that we forget what we’re living for: the hereafter. That’s what’s real, that’s what matters. We don’t understand how life truly slips away from our fingers in so little time and then it becomes too late – too late to show your parents how much you love them and how much they mean to you; too late for you to do everything in your power to help those in need; too late to worship God in every way you can; too late to realize that every single day you wake up is a blessing, a second chance. The journey is long and hard but with the right heart and mind along with God by your side, it can be the greatest one of all.

this or that

2009-09-03T00:37:00.000-07:00

What is this life? Probably the most over asked question. Is it just some game and we get to be the pieces moved around by some big guy up there? Is it a beautiful creation and we get to blessed enough to be a part of it? A test, a transition, what? Many don’t even think of these questions because life gets the best of them. We all get caught up in this world, that we forget we’re here for a reason and that we’re wasting years of our life away just..being. We let life just happen to us.

If you look up at the night sky..and I mean really look..it’ll click. There are billions of stars..planets..galaxies, which have all been there since time began. Us? We’re just here for a tiny moment that comes and passes. That life out there..that’s what’s real. This world is just a blink of eternity.

Living life to the fullest..what does that really mean? To me, it means loving. Caring. Helping. Learning. Being happy. Happiness, now that is a whole other ball game. What is happiness? Is it having everything you wish for? Is it just relaxing with a book or movie after a long, hard day of work? To me, its knowing that everything’s a mess of which most of the time, you have no control over, but accepting it. Accepting the fact that it’s there, and there for a reason. Accepting that you’ll have to just pick your head up and get through it. Knowing that you have your family and friends by your side. Knowing that you can see..hear..walk..talk..do whatever you put your mind to. You might not feel on top of the world but at least..you’ll have hope that one day you just might be; although one could argue, “ everything happens for a reason, but no wise words gonna stop the bleeding”. Confused yet? Me too.

There’s a saying, “the only regrets you have are the risks you didn’t take”. But what if the risks you’ve let yourself take before lead to pain and suffering? How are you supposed to choose between going for what you want and keeping yourself safe? Are you missing out on the true essence of life by not jumping into something and getting whatever experience is in store for you or are you being smart by learning from the past and staying out of the line of fire? Choices, choices, too many choices. Usually, I’d have no problem being a guiding light for loved ones but at the moment promises can’t be made. How can you help others choose when you’re at a crossroads yourself?

another piece of the puzzle

2009-06-19T21:28:00.000-07:00

Isn't it strange how we wait for certain, elaborate moments to be inspired and gain a bit more knowledge to keep us going on the path of self discovery but find ourselves in those moments completely unexpectedly?

It's completely fascinating at times how fast clouds can move which is a phenomenon that i had the opportunity to experience myself this afternoon. Sitting by a beautiful bit of nature, the pond by my sister's apartment seemed like the perfect place to just take a breather. There I am, sitting on the rocks, gazing out at the racing clouds while the perfectly motivating song comes on my mp3 player making me feel like I was in an unreal movie.

I was caught off guard when the clouds had perfectly parted to reveal a shining sun and immediately reached for the camera to capture this rare sight. Another pile of dark and funny shaped clouds passed by as I waited for the sun to peek through again and when it did, I again quickly snapped away trying to get the perfect picture. This is where my spontaneous, not as much of an epiphany as a late realization, occurred. This is what my life has been like, what all our lives have always been like. We wake up to rainy mornings never expecting the day to turn beautiful and when it does, the clouds that pass by hold our attention more than the sun that rarely comes through those clouds. Even when the light does decide to show itself, we get so excited about it and get caught up in dreading the coming clouds that we forget to bask in the glory and just enjoy it. The irony however, is that later in the day, the moments that you remember most aren't the long bouts of darkness but those few bursts of light, even if you didn't make the most of it.

As i have always greatly appreciated nature and the everlasting beauty it holds, it never failed to reach within me and touch the spot that lets me feel hope, love and most importantly appreciation for the life i have been blessed with. As of late however, it's been extremely difficult to regain that same emotion which is why i had a longing to make time to visit the graceful water. Though i had gained another piece of knowledge and had a useful realization, i still left without having been touched inside. That leads me to my second realization. Even though the sun may be there, doesn't necessarily guarantee an inner peace or happiness. It should however give us hope that if we are able to notice the sun behind those clouds, that we surely can one day feel again what we lack now.

round and round we go

2009-06-01T17:34:00.000-07:00

We all like a rush once in a while. Rides are the perfect producer. The swing ride may be one of the best. Round and round. We feel our hearts jump with every dip, our spirits lift with every rise. The wind in your face, hands gripping tight on the chain.

Until it seems to go too long.

Your head starts to spin. You grip the sides as if it were a lifeline. You shout for it to stop but nobody can hear over the cheers, over the wind. Everyone else seems to be enjoying, not noticing your discomfort; not noticing that you may even faint any second.

The ride is life. The passengers are your loved ones. The controller is God. The one who wants to jump off is you.

slippery slope

2009-03-17T19:36:00.000-07:00

it's common sense to not walk on ice. But sometimes we just don't wanna take the energy to go all the way around. We console ourselves by remembering that not everyone always slips. If u walk carefully and pay attention, you'll b fine.
You do this you whole life.
You take the risk of falling and bumping your head or worse, and feel good in a way that you've been doing it so long and haven't slipped.
Then, alas, comes the day.
The day that you're so used to walking over ice and feel that you have so much experience that you don't pay as much attention and are distracted and maybe a
little too over confident. Then..you slip. you're in shock. what just happened? how could this happen? i've never done that. wow.
and then comes the pain.
your ankle is twisted. you try to get up and can't support your weight and fall again, hurting your back this time. the pain doubles. you can't believe you
just got hurt twice in a row. you notice your hands are pretty scraped too. you start to get a headache from the cold and pain.
Everyone knows that you usually handle yourself perfectly so no one expects you to fall and therefore aren't there to help you up or even witness your mishap. the ego kicks in and you angrily remind yourself ' i haven't ever fallen. what the hell is this. i'm not clumsy. it's just ice. i can get up on my own'.
you have a whole bunch of shopping bags in your hands and the ice is still under your feet and your hands are cut up and your back is aching and your head is throbbing and only one leg works.
you can't do it. fine. maybe you should just get some help.
it has started to snow. rain's mixed in there somewhere too. the coffee shop you always go to right by has closed early. your cell phone's dead. one after the other. it seems like your hand is becoming the ice and everything is slipping from it.
you think of getting up on your own again.
it seems impossible. maybe it is.
you try. and you try. when finally you come to the realization that you fell. and now you can't get up.
you're tired. you stop trying.
you start to get comfortable in the ice realizing that you're gonna be on it for a while.
you sit..and wait.
you know it's gonna take a while. you'll just wait until spring shows its face again.
maybe it'll melt a bit of that ice.

a chance...

2008-12-31T22:02:00.001-08:00

At times, especially after going through something particularly tough, we find ourselves trying to bring a sense of purpose into our lives and renew our very beings. A perfect time that we can use as an excuse for doing this is at the new year. Every new year gives us a chance..

to restore hope and faith in ourselves and others
to gather all that we have learned from our experiences and set ourselves to move ahead, achieve and succeed
to make amends and end rivalries
to be open to new perspectives and approach our lives in a different manner
to face our whatever comes our way with belief that we can get through

Fortunately, we don’t need a new years to get the chance to do the most important thing: turn to the path of God; because when we do, everything else will fall into place. No new years needed =)

key to happiness

2008-12-07T17:04:00.000-08:00

Imagine if you were suddenly told that you had only one more week to live and you couldn't tell anybody about it. How would you react? What would take priority and what would you value? Family would probably be the answer for most of you. Maybe to speak with a kinder voice to your parents, clean the house up a bit so when mom comes home she can be pleasantly surprised, and her already aching back can be saved from the extra work. Maybe have an actual conversation with dad? ask about his childhood, his fears, hopes and dreams. Give him a chance to think and talk about something other than work, money, etc. What about siblings? ask them how their lives are going. If they're keeping up with school and work..how they're doing emotionally? What are their plans for the near future? Visit or call up your grandparents, aunts, uncles. Ask how the kids are, how work is going. I bet that would put a smile on their face..who doesn't like being remembered?

Are those petty arguments with friends even such a big deal anymore? Wouldn't you want to forgive and forget and even ask them for forgiveness for the problems and hurt you might have caused them? I would. I also would pray to God because i wouldn't be able to ask things for the ones i love for much longer. Maybe pray for mom's worry to ease, dad's stress, siblings' success, cousin's marriage to work out, anything. Also, wouldn't you wanna pray to God? to the one who has given you all that you have including the time you have had so far in this world?

During that week, maybe you would wake up everyday with a smile, thanking God for that day, being grateful to wake up in a warm bed and look forward to a warm breakfast. Maybe you'll smile with every moment, appreciating, and being a positive presence for everyone around you. maybe you'll watch those movies and read those books you never had time for. Maybe you'll even do something crazy like jump on the couch for no reason at all, eat you're favorite dessert, sing that song. Once, maybe you'll find time to sit outside and just..breathe. breathe in the fresh air, watch the sky, and the beauty all around you which is solid proof of God's wonder.

Unfortunately, we don't always get a warning to if we have one more year, month, day, or hour. That's why, even though it can be difficult at times, we should try to live everyday like it could be our last. Do all the things you wish, keep strong relationships with loved ones, be grateful, smile, and be close to God. By doing all that, you're praising God. And we want to try to praise God every chance we get because in the end, He's the one all of us will eventually return to.

p.s - a quote i came across that might help us all. =)

Happiness keeps you Sweet
Trials keep you Strong
Sorrows keep you Human
Life keeps you Humble
Success keeps you Glowing
But Only
God keeps you Going

who are we

2008-11-16T06:41:00.001-08:00

Are we the songs we listen to
Or the books we read
The movies we see
Or the people we talk to
the cars we drive
Or the jobs we work
With so many external forces
do we really find ourselves on this self searching journey?
Or just lose ourselves even more

so much..

2008-11-16T06:39:00.000-08:00

Have you ever felt so strongly about so many things at once that you think you could write a book just to cover one topic? And then.. when you try to speak about them .. nothing comes out? It feels like you have nothing on your mind instead of having more than just about everything. You try to focus, get on one subject so it seems like you know what you’re talking about, and you try so hard to get it together, to shout out to people what you think they should know. what is too important to be kept inside. How can we pick? Global warming, poverty, rape, murder, psychopaths, war, genocide, religion; how to choose? We try to say what has never been thought..but do we try to think about what has already been said?

purpose

2008-11-16T06:36:00.000-08:00

Is it really worth it? Feeling all that anger, jealousy, hurt, doubt. Worrying about all the little things? What will they think of me? what should I wear? Why can’t I be as pretty as her, why can’t I have that guy? Is all that really our purpose in life? What do we get in the end? We all end up under this earth at one point. All the wealth we’ve earned, the friends we have.. none of that is with us. Making a mountain out of sand..is it really worth it? Letting the essence of this world reach within us..being able to feel the satisfaction of personal success and completion. That’s what this life is really about. That’s what we’re meant to be doing in this small part of our existence. One human can’t control or change everything. But if a hundred..a thousand..a million people at once can work together ..anything is achievable. If we can all aim towards a main goal..a moral cause..anything is possible.

..

2008-11-16T05:38:00.001-08:00

So many thoughts…and no words
So many steps…and no distance
How far do we get
By putting up the net?
How high do we go
By not letting someone know?

-awakening-

2008-10-17T22:40:00.000-07:00

Waking up to the brightness and warmth of the sun
After long stormy years
Having gained strength and wisdom
Is an awakening anyone will welcome
Knowing that this joy won’t last
But always having the weapon to fight
Walking at your own pace
But remembering to fill the needs around you
Accepting all that is
But changing what might be
New storms will pass
But the memory of the sun
will always help to keep going
knowing that with enough strength
the light will soon shine again

how much

2008-09-18T13:12:00.001-07:00

How much can one take
Glass to the brim
Think it’s gna spill
but it’s still there..dripping
Changes all around
You think you got enough scars to last a lifetime
But no. there has to be more
There’s always room for more
How much can one take
And when new wounds aren't formed
the old, half healed ones get ripped open again
How much can one take
No one to comfort. No one to guide.
Road’s never been so deserted
How much can one take
Try to satisfy
by not letting them know
Greater good they call it
But where do I go
Stabbed over and over
Just when you think you’re on the way to freedom, even if it’s a while away
There comes the knife again
Gotta start all over
Does another start even exist?
This is all one can take
Bout to spill over the brim
This glass is gna break

keep me sane

2008-09-16T21:58:00.000-07:00

Go with the flow
Doesn’t have meaning any more
Try and try to no avail
No organization to the fiery thoughts that contain seemingly endless energy
No solutions
Grateful but wishing
Sense danger in hope
Lights from every candle extinguished
Even the wick is nonexistent
Disappointment emits from every direction, satisfaction coming to none
This expression not meant to be a classic
Only to get out enough to keep me sane
Maybe then.. Sleep can come again

familiar heaven

2008-08-09T23:39:00.000-07:00

there's always this place you tend to go to when you need time on your own, and just need to get away. It's like a personal heaven. always the same with every visit, radiating all the same vibes it always has. But one day..when you really need the familiarity..the bond..it seems to have changed. it still looks the same from afar...but when you get nearer...you realize the color of the water is a bit darker..and the people that always gave you friendly smiles, have a different look on their faces. Nothing's bad or cold. It's just not as familiar a heaven as it always was.

reality road

2008-08-06T23:09:00.000-07:00

You’re always on a road. Sometimes you reach your destination very easily, without any directions, and without much time. But sometimes the road is a little longer, and with those long trips, your car is filled with people, to guide, to give company. Slowly, the car empties out, and more of those people find their own stops, and get off there. You then realize that no matter how much people seem like they’re going to stay throughout the whole trip, they stop right when they find their own destinations. Then, you’re the only one left to drive, and at first feel like you’ll never make it without the company, or guidance, but then create your own map, follow your own directions, and you’re left with your thoughts as your only company. Or maybe some music.

Half a Prayer

2008-07-07T00:46:00.000-07:00

-- written by a great and extremely talented friend --

Lord please emancipate my mind
from the ties that bind me and make me blind
if the wealth and the rides fill me with pride
then I'll put them aside, put them behind and learn and teach
Lord ordain me the power to extend my reach
to my brothers and my sisters on the fields and streets
to erect shades to shade them from the searing heat
to build shelters and houses and provide them with food to eat
'cause they've got no food to eat, you'd think that was it but they got no place to sleep,
I thought I had problems, their shit is oceans deep,
some of them get depressed and take the leap down a hundred feet off a building
I live in covered spaces they sleep without a ceiling, without the world feeling
its cold hard reality there's no miracle healing,
we better start dealing in feeding these weeping kids before its too late and god-forbid.
they drop down the lid and start doing what their fathers did; killed and stole money and went and hid
someone needs to take the time to sit and bridge, sit and reach, but its like the whole world is too busy to sit and list
like everything is okay and problems don't exist, nobody will resist the good life they just go along with it
until we're hit personally then it's like 'why am I in shit?'
yo, wake up dude all this time all you did was a hit-and-miss
can't say you tried, can't say you did your bit
why are you complaining now, just go along with it?
Lord accept this half-a-prayer, built on half-hope and half-dispair, help me 'cause I'm only half-prepared, if I'm gonna take on the world I gotta start somewhere...

Faded Stars

2008-06-19T21:32:00.000-07:00

Some of us are stars..some are lookers. The lookers only see the stars when they’re shining..but when a cloudy night comes along, the lookers no longer show their admiration, but only their ignorance. Why look at something when it’s not standing out? But it takes those cloudy nights for us to really appreciate the stars for lighting our nights when they do. We should remember not only the shining stars…but the faded ones too.

Chased Satisfaction

2008-06-18T17:55:00.000-07:00

Satisfaction always evades us. We go to school..but there is always that feeling that the world is hiding something we don’t know. We get a career, but we have to be on top of the mountain. We get married, but our companion always seems to have something missing that we always wanted. We have kids but they never seem to fulfill something you always wanted to. There is always that void in us, that never seems to be filled no matter where we go, what we do, or whom we talk to. What is it we want from the world? From life? What is that fulfillment and how far do we go to achieve it? Whatever it is, the more we chase it, the faster and farther it runs. Like sand, the harder we try to hold it in our hands, the faster it slips through our fingers. Is there really something out there in the world that is meant to be found by us? Or is it something in ourselves that always wants something to look for?

Lost

2008-06-17T15:23:00.000-07:00

Remember that time that you were lost in a very big and crowded place, separated from your family, and feeling that everything and everyone else is so much bigger and stronger than you? Remember that feeling of suffocation and that pang of fear?

It’s one thing being lost and knowing exactly what you need to find and where you need to be. It’s another thing being lost in yourself. Not knowing what you need to find, or even if you want to find it. Not knowing where your destination is. It’s having four different directions all around you, and not knowing which one to take, because you don’t know where you need to go. You’re trying to slow down because you know you have to…but speeding up because you want it to be over. The suffocation… the fear… the uncertainty. It’s a poison that seeps through your brain, heart, and soul. Imagine…your entire being, and purpose of life being questioned. No guidance..no direction. Being swallowed up by nothingness..neither here nor there. At the same time..anger is taking over because there is so much more in the world..and time is being wasted being ‘lost’.

Everything you ever lived for becomes nothing but a speck of dust left on a road so long ago. Sometimes…in the process of trying to find ourselves and make ourselves better..we lose ourselves even more.

Circle

2008-06-17T12:47:00.001-07:00

We always run in a circle. At times that circle can be very big, so we don’t even realize what direction we’re running in. Sometimes it’s so small, you run faster and faster to find the hole to get out. Either we run so fast, that we miss the hole every time we pass it, or when we run so fast, we fall…but that fall might be what we need to remember to slow down…look closer..and discover that little break in the circle.

Sometimes...

2008-06-15T21:42:00.001-07:00

Sometimes it’s like all you see is clouds above you, with the sun so far in, you forget it exists. Sometimes even after the sun shines through, your eyes are so used to the darkness, that you’re blind to the rays reaching to you. For weeks, months, and years, a blindfold has found a home over your eyes. It’s tied so tight that it seems impossible for your eyes to ever be free to look again. Sometimes…we get so comfortable with our darkness…we don’t want to look again.

Pictures

2008-06-07T02:52:00.000-07:00

Think of my life as a picture. Lines and shapes visible but faded colors and no care for detail. Focus on one area, the rest blurs. I remember not to forget any other parts, to look at it as a whole. It’s not the new kind. but traveled back to the past to be one of those needed to put down for some time to show its best quality. Just been snapped, and still developing, In that time, patience is needed, to make sure it’s good enough for the world to see and understand.

*lost and found*